Three Men and A Baby…Cow

There have been a lot of firsts during this pandemic.  And a lot of “never-done-before’s.”  While not necessarily pandemic-driven, we’ve made it a point to introduce our girls to new movies–maybe the movies themselves are not new…but they’re new to them/us.  (So often we get stuck in the rut of just watching whatever is on tv…we tried to be intentional with movie nights.)

We ran through all three Back to the Future movies on successive nights this spring.   We’ve been given the sage advice of Bill and Ted to “be excellent to each other.”  We have gotten a crash-course in undercover police work from Arnold Schwarzenegger in Kindergarten Cop.  We toured the inland marshes of North Carolina with a ne’er-do-well waterman and a wrestling-wannabe runaway in The Peanut Butter Falcon.  We’ve leveraged Disney+ for the fascinating “Brain Games” series, Hamilton, and the Mandalorian.  And we’re a scant four movies into our Marvel journey.

A few weeks ago, we watched City Slickers–released in 1991; and the last time I saw it was probably the late 1990’s.  Unless you’ve seen it recently (and I think it’s fair to say that 100% of you haven’t), your memory of it is probably like mine: cattle ranches, cowboys, slapstick comedy, and a life lesson here and there.  In fact, here is a snippet of Roger Ebert’s review from June 7, 1991:

The plot unfolds along fairly predictable lines. The three city dudes meet up with their fellow urban cowboys, including two black Baltimore dentists and a good-looking blond who has been abandoned by her boyfriend. They ride out one morning at dawn, saddle-sore but plucky, and along the way there are the obligatory showdowns with macho professional cowboys, stubborn cattle, and nature.

It’s also worth noting here that City Slickers clocks in on AFI’s Top 100 Comedy Movies of All Time at #86. 

Perfect family movie night.

_____________________________________

The pandemic has wreaked havoc on sports leagues of every level, the vast majority of brick-and-mortar small businesses, and entire industries.  One niche that is thriving, however, is therapy/counseling.  The uptick in demand for professional mental services actually started on January 20, 2017 (no joke), but has received a monumental boost due to the pandemic. In fact, many counselors and therapists have been forced to stop taking new clients.

Too much connection. Not enough connection.  Too much of the wrong interaction.  Not enough positive interaction.  Or…as happens at our house 1-2 times a day: a slow, gradual emotional boiling occurs….someone blows their top….everything simmers down…and we move on with our day.

I bring this up as a man, husband, and father.  In general:

1. Men tend to have fewer emotional outlets than women have.
2. Men far less often share their emotions–especially with each other.
3. The opportunities for men to connect on any level–surface or otherwise–usually occur at sporting events (be they of the professional or tee-ball variety), live music events, at work, at the bar after work.
4. Men generally don’t find a ton of bonding success via phone or Zoom meetings.

In-person sporting or music events are limited at best. (In fact, I spoke with a client in Cleveland yesterday who joked that he would happily pay $20 for a $10 beer and $15 for an $8 hot dog just to drink and eat it while sitting at Progressive Field watching the Indians play.)

Which is to say, what little emotional bonding or connecting that men did prior to the pandemic is virtually (and realistically) nonexistent right now.

Which brings me back to City Slickers.

Watching it with the girls the other night for the first time in 20+ years, I forgot how much of a badass Jack Palance was (in his Best-Supporting Actor role).  And I forgot how many kid-inappropriate sexual references were in the movie (D’OH!).

But what I took away from the movie was something new.  Something I would have never appreciated in all the times I watched it as a kid, teen, or young adult:

How real, and intimate, the dialogue was between the three main characters–played by Billy Crystal, Daniel Stern (who is forever known as “Marv from Home Alone” in our household), and Bruno Kirby (RIP).

I couldn’t remember the last time I saw a movie that had real emotional interplay and between male characters the way that City Slickers did.  Yes, during the two-week cattle drive from New Mexico to Colorado, they talked about obligatory male topics like baseball and girls’ butts; but they also talked about their abusive childhoods, failed marriages, and fledgling careers.  (Topics that you wouldn’t expect to receive a lot of attention in a film that most people remember being all about lasso mishaps and baby cows.)

And it wasn’t just that they broached these topics as negative situations or character flaws to be overcome or solved.  There was acceptance of the flaws and failures.  Empathy for each other.  Vulnerability.  And an acknowledgment that even with these character defects, they were the still the best of friends…in it together.

It helps that City Slickers was written by the same two people who wrote Parenthood.  But while Parenthood had the bench strength of an expertly-assembled ensemble cast–which spanned three generations–the strength in City Slickers comes primarily from three middle-aged men.  More from Ebert:

“City Slickers” is like “Parenthood” in the way it deals with everyday issues of living in an unforced way that doesn’t get in the way of the humor, and yet sets the movie up for a genuine emotional payoff at the end. And the male bonding among Crystal, Stern and Kirby is unforced and convincing. There are so many ways this movie could have gone wrong – with gratuitous action scenes, forced dialogue or contrived showdowns – that it’s sort of astonishing, how many ways it finds to go right.

The two-week cattle drive is a metaphor for a stereotypical man’s life:

Venture into unfamiliar territory–both expected and expecting to be strong, brave, and quick-on-the draw.  Outward courage veils inner insecurities that eventually surface–sometimes on their own, and sometimes coaxed or forced out by other people or situations.  Challenges are overcome eventually with the help of wise elders, old pals, and even newfound animal friends.  Often times we find strength inside that we didn’t even know we had.  As Roger Ebert poignantly quipped: “…the kind of crazy heroism that can be indulged in only by guys who don’t understand the real dangers they’re in.”

It certainly isn’t always easy to talk about things other than sports, music, backyard projects, or exciting ways to prepare and cook red meat.  In a way, it’s ironic….because guys are supposed to be able to address difficult topics…to accomplish difficult tasks.  I bet “talking to each other” is not something that tops the priority list of things to do this week if you’re a guy…but maybe it should.  When was the last time you did?

We can do hard things.